This is NOT going to be good...

So I had a moment this past week that made me think that perhaps I won't be the calmest woman in labor and that my husband had better stay out of arm's reach.

This past Wednesday night I had some MAJOR pains running down my left side from the middle of my belly down to my groin area. The only way I can describe the pain was that it was like the WORST runner's stitch-in-the-side I've ever had multiplied by 100. I was literally moaning/yelling in pain and couldn't ease it with any position or activity - sitting, standing, walking, lying down, curled in a ball, on all fours... nothing stopped this pain. It got bad enough that I had my husband call the on-call doctor (by the time the freakin' voice mail went through our many options, the pain was subsiding). But in that moment as I writhed around screaming "F!@*" at the top of my lungs I realized... I don't think I'm going to be good at this labor thing. I can't even handle whatever this stupid pain was, how on earth will I handle contractions?

My mother told me (when I was telling her I wasn't sure who I wanted in the delivery room with me) that she discovered that she really just wanted to be alone in labor and that the sight of her husband (my wonderful step-dad) just made her angry. I'm thinking I might be the same. As my husband knelt down to try to help me and put his hand on my belly... I had to try VERY HARD to resist the urge to punch, kick, swat and push him far, far away from me. In fact, I may have had him call the doc just to give him something to do that did not involve standing near me. I have never felt so violent in my life. It was crazy. And now, more than ever, I'm thinking I'll want the epidural plus anything else they can give me during delivery so that I won't tear my husband, the doctor and/or the room apart. I'm hoping I'm wrong. While I think I'll still ask for an epidural, I'm hoping that a combination of yoga breathing, my ipod and labor & delivery classes will help me be somewhat less crazy, but I'm having my doubts now.

I've had many mommy friends tell me about their labors and some were quiet, some cried, some screamed and some (eerily enough) were totally silent & focused. I was hoping to at least be focused (I'm pretty sure silent isn't an option for me)... but now I'm thinking I won't even be able to focus. I was an irrational beast during one, albeit long, horrible pain i was having. I couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything. My happy little advice book talks about how women have harder labors when they fight it and that it's better to visualize the pain as a waive to ride through. Ummmm...okay, nice idea and all, but I'm somehow thinking that I'll forget that nice wave theory and forget to breath when I'm popping out something the size of a small-medium butterball turkey, you know? I'm thinking I'll just want to kick the crap out of the nearest innocent by-stander. Someone gave my husband the advice to "stay high by her head and stay out of arms reach" while I'm in labor... and I believe that man may be a genius.

I'm sure I'm having a very normal, holy-crap-what-is-this-going-to-be-like, new mommy moment in my pregnancy... but it is not fun. I keep getting friends and strangers alike ask me if I'm excited and frankly... I'm terrified. Sure, excitement is buried in there somewhere, but mostly, I'm terrified. You see, I'm a planner. I make lists, charts, spreadsheets, do research, etc. I stretch, warm up, practice, set goals, etc. But there's no preparation for this. I have NO IDEA how my labor will feel, how long it will be, how easy/hard it will be. So I CANNOT prepare. And let me tell you... for a type-A, plan ahead, always-in-control person, not being able to prepare is terrifying. The unknown is terrifying.

Of course, now that I think about it... my husband should be more terrified. He has no idea who will show up in that delivery room. Will it be crying Mariska? Yelling Mariska? Or crazy, out-of-control, violent, bellowing Mariska? Poor man... I sure hope those labor & delivery classes have as much advice for him as it has for me. And I sure hope he remembers to "stay high and out of reach..." :)

I know we'll laugh about it someday...